5 things I wish I knew before my father died
It's time to talk to your parents about how they want to die
I dealt with a period of estrangement with my father, and when we reconnected, communication had become even more complicated. My father was dealing with the effects of a stroke, and we were both calcified with tension, resentment, and a commitment to being obstinate. I’m not sure what I would have done different if our situation/relationship was different, but I wish in dealing with his death I had some clarity about certain things, like:
How he wanted to his body to be buried
This was such a point of contention for me. I felt strongly that my father should be buried as soon as possible after he transitioned. I didn’t want his body to hang out unburied for a long period of time. I thought it was dishonorable and inconsiderate to him, and that he should be left to begin his transition. And that we could begin our mourning. Other family members had less qualms and needs about this. Folks wanted more convenient time for them to see him before he was buried. In my heart, I knew he would not want to be held in a mortuary, but alas I had to manage the needs and desires of close family members. I wish I would have a clear note from him, so that we didn’t have to fight about this.
Who I should trust/deal with
Death has mad jokes, and one of the biggest ones is to reveal the villains. Due to my father’s specific life trajectory, it was hard to know who we really fuck with in matters of his affairs. So many people had come in, along, through and out of our lives. It may have been just as muddy even if he’d been lucid and our relationship was less contentious. I don’t know. Shoo, maybe his condition helped us reveal who the real homies were. The ones that stuck with us through all the quiet and not so flashy times, the folks who still would come and visit and just sit with him. The people who would check in with us, his kids, and help us out of situations that we would have needed our father for.
And as much as we tried to keep it cute and mindful in our dealings with our father’s transition, my siblings and I for sure have raised eyebrows at how some folks moved. Still, it would have been good to know from his own assessment who he wanted in what capacity.
What his childhood dreams were
My father’s death made him become a person to me. Made him not just ‘my father’. One of my deepest pain points was trying to grasp any pieces of what I could, to make up a clearer picture of him. And, I wanted nothing more than his own voice to help me. But he is gone. Even as I got doses of people sharing stories about him, I wanted more (inject it). I wish I could cross reference the stories I hear with his own versions. I wish I could sit in a room and just hear him talk about his childhood. The boy that became a youth and how that led him to me. What did he want? How did he dream?
How he wanted to be memorialized
My father was a flashy mofo, who did THEE MOST. I can do THEE MOST. But, I have specific guiding principles about what thee most entails, and that can show up differently from some Igbo/Nigerian burials/events, societal/familial conventions, many of which I consider gauche and obscene. So I had to just bite my tongue, keep my sunglasses on, and keep it moving.
I thought I would get more crazed in this area, but I practiced a lot of self management through the planning process; I let shit go and turned my head on some things, I went back and forth on some, and I held the line and did what I specifically wanted on others.
My father had siblings that he was close to, then there was my mother, my siblings, and then- outside.I was battling with other people's ideas, obligations, norms and expectations of my siblings and I, and our extended family as a whole. On the other hand I felt pressure to meet up with what I felt would be the appropriate honor for the status that my father held in the community, but not having the financial, mental, and health capacity to show up in that way. I wish I would have had a better sense from him of what he would have wanted, so I didn’t have to grapple with whether he would be dishonored or disrespected by decisions we made.
Where the money reside
Now, lol. This is its ownnn dissertation. And again our situation was so wonky due to my father’s health situation. One of my biggest fears about my parents passing would be that money stuff would cause rifts in my siblings and I relationship. I legit have night sweats about this. Thankfully, my father had a legal will.
And even still…It’s weird. There’s still things my siblings and I have to work really hard on in our communication to avoid complete discord. I wish, I wish, I wish that he would have been able to handle many loose ends, and I wish we actually had chances to converse and debate with him about decisions on his will. Because sometimes you get a will, and you’re like “is THIS what you really would have wanted in these current times, is this the decision you made?”
I wish post-life money and property stuff was a discussion that was more collaborative with the people who are left behind to deal with it. ‘Cos what you mean the boys get all of this? And me and my sis get a fraction? *rolling my fkin eyes*
-
After this experience, I hope that I can be more mindful to share with my loved ones about my own post earth realm wishes (I started a document and try to update it as I can). And I’m working to get my mother and siblings to continue to share and work though some of these discussions for themselves. So yeah. There’s a lot and so much more. But if all things were ‘equal’, these five areas would have really helped reduce the consternation and rage, while mired in sadness and despair of my father’s dying.
